A Huge Achievement
How do you go about evaluating and reflecting on such an awesome achievement as You, Me and My Voice 2019 was... more to the point how do you go about thanking everyone involved? From mastermind Natalie Palin to get stuck in there Jennifer Noice’s practical experience, thanks might pop up a lot through this blog and actually, through my everyday living for a very long time! Time to put our feet up and celebrate!
Sophie, green patterned trousers and blue socks, resting her feet on a blue chair whilst sat on a pink chair with notepad on her lap looking mildly interested. Steve in pink, blurred in the background... they both look pretty chilled
The post project performance blues have lingered quite a lot more than other productions. I think partly the reason is that YMMV has been controlling a lot of my thoughts for the last year! I’ve been in the cockpit from the first whispers of applying for Arts Council funding to bowing out after the most epic performances at Theatre Royal Plymouth. It’s hard to know where the project began – you could say over three years ago when Soph and I were almost stressing more about the University marks than the creativity itself, so the YMMV bug has been in the back of my mind ever since. Transitioning from the safety net of University, where everyone’s there to support and mistakes are encouraged: to the fast paced, mad world of theatre, has been the biggest achievement of this project. Not only has the piece ascended to a new platform but I have as a theatre maker. We created some spectacles and amazing theatre at University but now I feel part of the artist world and that’s all thanks to this project.
This is going to be a fairly long blog (if you are anything like me, well done for getting this far!) as the company tries to capture the ever evolving essence of YMMV, and as well as my dulcet tones, you’re going to hear from all four of your performers. I think I will be posting bitesize of this blog in the next few weeks because there are some real juicy questions being raised, humbling thoughts and useful learning curves throughout that might be hard to process in one go. But we thought it was important to have all four voices in this blog as a sort of echo of YMMV which is a true connection between four friends on stage.
I feel like I'm writing for one of those channel 4 alternative election nights (apologies if any remark or metaphor relating to the disaster that was the general election might be too soon!) Since the finale of YMMV, myself and Jen have been wading through Arts Council evaluation forms, quantitative data and some of the most humbling and beautiful qualitative data (thoughts and quotes) from our audiences. It sometimes feels like we could just submit the 200 odd feedback quotes and let them speak for themselves. We are all truly grateful for the comments, thoughts and raw emotion that was shared back with us in this form!
So, continuing the alternative reflections for this blog. We have coded (sorted) the quotes into differing categories:
Steve's fan base
Hugh's brilliance and modesty
Sophie's dynamic, yet rather brash persona
The number of requests for Steve's number
The number of requests for Jen to sort out families/friends’ anger issues
No... it really does mean the world to us reading all the feedback! Totally beyond having information to report back to Arts Council, the lovely quotes are a real lifeline between the messy and dreamlike devising room to the daunting performances. The process of creating original theatre can seem slightly closed doors or a far-off fantasy from the stage and many ideas will inevitably not make it to the audience but the kind feedback shows that our wacky devising process sort of works!
Another parallel between Channel 4 alternative coverage and let’s say the BBC more to the point style is saying things as it is - without holding back. And I think it’s the same with reflecting in this bloggy, chatty, but meaningful way, as opposed to formal reports. In the formal evaluations I’ve completed so far, I have been very careful to anonymise, step around and even make excuses for venues/organisers… this is all about to change with a brilliant and honest raw truth from another pillar of four: Sophie Amos.
…so, take a deep breath, get ready for the comments like ‘Is she allowed to say that?’ and read this epic bit of reflection.
A word from Sophie
Once Upon a Tour….
Every show has its memories, quotable moments, laughs, tears and stress. The 2019 Tour of You, Me and My Voice was no different. I have quite the flair for the dramatic and I love a story, so my reflections of the tour come in an almost fairy-tale like miniseries of stories. With my humorous, witty, comedic and humble viewpoint. Without further ado, I present to you Once Upon a Tour. Enjoy.
The Technicians Tale
You never think about the way humans behave until it is so in your face. One of the most incredible parts of the You, Me and My Voice tour 2019 has been the behaviour of humans. This sounds odd, I know, but the people we have met have given me enough material to write a one man show highlighting how some humans are still struggling to come to grasps with the open world we live in. I am simply talking about the minority of people, overall the audiences were fantastic. So, let me explain…
Being a technician on tour with a small touring cohort is vastly different to being the technician at a venue or a technician with a world tour. Suddenly you go from being a part of a crew and playing your role within the wider tech team, to being the tech team in its entirety. Add being a female technician into this mix and I can tell you either: chivalry isn’t dead or the notion of man saving woman is still very much engraved into the human mind set.
An experience I need to note with this tour was: how humans would interfere with my set up of lights and equipment, would question my ability to use the equipment, would move my lights and focus them where they wanted, touch my stuff and of course (my favourite) call me love or darlin’. It was never due to a lack of my misunderstanding of equipment or asking for their assistance but me thinks it was more to do with my gender. I could go on and on with points, reasonings and evidence to why I know it was about my gender, rather than my ability, but I’m not here for a rant about patriarchy and the past gazillion years of it. Moving on. Quickly.
The Children, The Caretaker and The Water Bowl
Two experiences that stuck with me, both happened during our time at Plymouth School of Creative Arts. A promising venue that was, to say the least, challenging from the get-go but like all stories it has a happy ending so bare with me here.
We had the “pleasure” of being guided around the building by a member of staff, whom we shall call Pedro for this story. Pedro was our chaperone who met us from the car park, helped us in with our gear and then when we were asked to move our vehicles completely stunned us all. “So what are you going to do with your chappy here then? Is he alright to be left alone?”. A quote. A quote I will never forget, an epic uttering of nonsense directed towards Steve, Jen and myself about Hugh as he lent on Hugh’s chair. He didn’t ask Hugh, it was almost like Hugh wasn’t there. Short of blowing a fuse and giving it the big ‘Do you know who this is?!’ speech I settled with a reply that was equally an epic uttering of nonsense: “He’ll be alright, we will leave a bowl of water out for him.” Yes I know, hilarious, witty and slightly childish but my joke was missed on Pedro. Shame, we could have made a comedy duo act that would challenge Ant and Dec. Enough of Pedro and his ways and onto the happily ever after moment.
So this moment happened after show 1 of 2 at the Plymouth School of Creative Arts which was a show to the students. It was a tough show, battling audience participation that wasn’t asked for and pretty much shouting against 60 talking children. We were all so relieved when the show ended, looking at each other like we had just battled through a storm. Left kind of crest fallen and annoyed which all changed when one of the students came up to Hugh and said: ‘Mad respect for that man’. It was worth it, we had made a difference to at least one person which made it all okay. An amazing rollercoaster of emotions which I will never forget.
All’s Well That Ends Well
It is amazing that when you are planning a tour, on paper venues can look amazing and be the ‘perfect’ venue for your show. When you perform within some of those spaces, what is on paper is left on paper. In one instance we had a show in Exeter, in one of the studio rooms on the first level of a very popular Exeter venue. No problem Hugh there’s a lift. Ideal. Sorted. Bags packed, cars ready to go. Email arrives half an hour before we are due to arrive at the venue:
“Dear Hugh,
Just had a thought, the lift is broken to the stage. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner….”
The email every disabled artist wants to hear on the first tour date. Not to panic Hugh, the engineer is on the way…we just don’t know when he will get there. So Hugh was left with a situation, cancel the show or go and hope it gets fixed. I think it’s time within the story to introduce a hero, that is exactly what the story needed, and we got. Introducing the silent performer, the understudy that never got their moment: Emmanuel. This was Hugh’s manual wheelchair because, Undivided Attention were not about to give up on our first date. Emmanuel was packed in the car on standby to play the vital part of Hugh’s chair in the event of the lift not working. Long story short Emanuel didn’t get its chance to shine on stage as the lift was fixed but my god, it’s one of the best understudies I have ever met.
The Magic Circle
In all my stories there’s a missing element, the players of the tour and how their existence within the world of the show had an influence on me. So my final story is more my internalised experience (can you tell I did a degree in performance?) something that no other person had the actual pleasure of having. When you work with other creatives one of two things will happen:
You will clash in a horrendous, over dramatic way
Magic happens
Fortunately for me, the magic happened with this show. We worked like a well-oiled machine, providing elements that not one of us could replace for the other. Steve was my counter-clown for lack of a better term. A talented musician who, time after time got audiences mystified with his instruments and abilities. Inspiring a new generation to become the rock stars and Elton John’s of the future. A talent I am insanely jealous of but a talent that brought magic to the show.
Jen, the silent creative genius. She is incredibly modest, but someone must toot her horn. Without her hard work with the set and determination to learn lines and everything else she does in between (honestly how she does it I will never know!) the show would not have had the sparkle of magic Jen brought to each show. Erin was the director, teacher, mentor, kicker of arses. This was the first time I have worked with Erin as my director as a performer, and it was awesome. No other words can describe it apart from awesome. When we were on shows without her, there was a missing part and a loss that was felt through the team. Erin had an incredible talent to take us from being tired and meh performers to inspiring us and giving us the magic formula to be the best performer we could be.
Now onto the main man, our chappy (sorry Hugh I couldn’t resist). Hugh brought us together and made his university project into a South West Touring Show. No mean feat. Hugh watched us from our highs to our lows and supported us as a fellow cast member and as the project lead, every step of the way. Oh and he performed on stage every time, with complete honesty. This is Hugh’s life, those are Hugh’s stories and memories. For the hour you are with us, you as the audience are seeing a snippet of Hugh’s life which is unapologetically brave and open about himself. Hugh did it with ease, again I am in awe of how, because I found one of the most challenging things in my performing career was the ability to be me on stage in this show. As an actor I am trained to play someone else, to put on a character. I struggled to embody me in this show because I am not trained in that way, far too much vulnerability on show for my comfortability. That magic that Hugh brings ties the show together. Without all the cast and crew of the show, the show would not have been half as successful.
And they all lived happily ever after….
#YMMV2020
I have refrained from using the word thank you again until now but as warned from the outset here it is. I can’t thank Sophie enough for her brilliance on the project. It is really the first time we have ‘worked professionally’ together outside University. After a challenging final year of our degree it is always a gamble to work on a project with your friend. The demands of YMMV brought the best out of Sophie. As seen in her reflections, this way of performing contradicts most of her training but Sophie nailed it from start to finish!
It’s really funny actually, Soph and I have obviously worked too much together, we have been writing our respective bits of this blog separately but seem to be going along the same theme of alternative reflection style…oh wait no those things really did happen – we’re not exaggerating in the slightest!
To reiterate (cos it might take a second go to sink in), the morning of our premiere, the venue emailed me ten minutes before we were going to journey to them saying that the lift was sending error messages. The email stated how they were hoping the lift would be fixed before our show but it would be such a shame to have to send any wheelchair users away. This was followed up by an email pronouncing how they have just ‘remembered’ that one of the company members was a wheelchair user – and, without blowing my own trumpet, I’m relatively important to the piece!...banter!
Unfortunately, (and quite a little dark and serious for a minute), this was only the start of the discrimination we faced throughout the tour. Perfectly described by Sophie above, these ‘episodes’ kept arriving. Having a diverse company was always going to challenge the regional theatres/venues/organisers but some of the direct and indirect attitudes towards us was frightening.
These barriers and attitudes also extended to Sophie as a female technician and Jen as a Creative Enabler. On more than one occasion, Sophie (who had designed the lighting states, sourced the lighting equipment, and who is more than capable of rigging and operating the lights thank you very much) was not allowed to get on with it on her own. In a male dominated world, male technicians throughout the venues just had to tighten up bolts or question why Sophie had plugged that light in there. This ‘help’ started to take its toll and highlighted the gender discrimination throughout this industry. There were a lot of misunderstandings with Jen’s roll too, countless times individuals would talk to her and not me. Our patience with this slowly deteriorated, and in the pressure situations of performance nights, a constant reminder to the culprit, in the form of all four of us stopping what we’re doing and mutter under our breath that I have a voice too, ruffled quite a few feathers.
And all these things create a deep irony when considering You, Me and My Voice as a performance. The piece is all about listening and wanting to hear. It’s about creating a platform for lived experience to be valued and respected. The conversations post show with audiences was inspiring and uplifting. The piece raised a lot of questions/thoughts for a lot of people and created a much needed dialogue around these issues. Yet perhaps the people who need to pay attention the most are the venues putting on a show without listening…get your head around that.
Although we are very much in celebratory mode of our achievements, this is definitely the sour note and will definitely make us question whether we’ll be up for a second tour. The creativity, diversity and respect within our company is one that we want to cherish and hold on to but unfortunately, it’s not necessarily shared by regional venues… apologies, went quiet serious on you there, but I think these things have to be called out on as many platforms as possible.
And now for slightly more elegant wording from our Steve with this beautiful concise piece of reflection. Working with Steve is a unique experience. His musical talent and ability to find the right bit of music for the moment is amplified with his insight into storytelling and theatre. This with his unique style of improv (which is: forget all the rules and just whip out a megaphone during the first show even though we hadn’t played with it in any of the rehearsals) makes for such an adept storyteller! Thanks mate, it was a blast!
A word from Steve
This tour, unique in its practical challenges and creative content, was a genuinely instructive and revelatory experience.
As we were developing the piece, some of the political themes and context (around listening, disability, compassion, division, empathy – or lack thereof) really began to crystallise for me. The act of being part of delivering this show gave me an opportunity to be proactive in the face of all that difficult political context, rather than reactive, alienated and/or angry. Being in this project helped me offset a dark tendency to lose sight of hope. Now is a good time to relearn hope, and I am thankful that the cumulative effect of the project offered a pathway in this regard.
I enjoyed clicking as a part of a new company, and I think we began to storm it as a tight-knit group. I am missing it already. I loved watching the company perform from my stage-left vantage point. I am thankful and lucky. I am impatient to see what new work could look/sound/feel like for this company.
It was instructive and eye-opening to be in close proximity to the challenges that Hugh needs to overcome with alarming regularity. The tour threw up a litany of obstacles relating to accessibility and inclusion for disabled performers in the region. Hugh’s determination and bloody-mindedness in meeting and surmounting these obstacles is really something to celebrate and be humbled by.
Artistically-speaking, I am still very curious to see Hugh perform a true one-man show, but at the same time – it feels like we four have more shared journeying to do.
Musically, I tried quite a few things live for the first time – ambient looping using synth, real-time manipulation of pre-recorded soundscapes and live scoring a half pre-recorded conversation. A project like this is a very welcome opportunity for any creatively-minded musician and I am thankful that I had total free reign to try these new experiments.
I would like to push myself a little harder if we are lucky enough to get to make something new together; new sounds, instruments, compositions, soundscapes and definitely singing with Hugh/Soph/Jen please – there is safety in numbers.
I loved reading this piece of reflection from Steve. Firstly, it is a good lesson on how to reflect meaningfully without rambling on with, silly jokes in between – two things I’m not very good at. Secondly, it cuts to the true heartbeat of the project. The creative license we all had, although a bit daunting at times with not having a clear creative direction, allowed each creativity and uniqueness to shine. There was so much trust involved: we all knew that Sophie would make magic happen even with a simple lighting set up, we knew that Jen would spot, consider and then fix that bit of the set that didn’t quite work and Steve would cover up any awkward silence or dip in energy with original score…all I had to do was sit in the middle, not corpse in the wrong places and be swept along by this awesome creative force.
I’m not sure about this true one man show though Steve… In honesty, YMMV as a University project came out of my head as an opportunity to ‘take a risk’ in order to gain an extra mark or two. Acting has never been an ambition of mine, I find it scary, intimidating and something that I imagined I would not be very good at. All my work leading up to YMMV has been behind the scenes – writing, directing, pressing buttons at lighting desks etc. so through the journey of YMMV I am propelled ‘centre stage’ and although I don’t love it I’m starting to feel creative in that role. I would never want to say goodbye to the devising room, so I guess YMMV is a happy medium and I feel the most comfortable performing alongside my friends! Let’s continue to rewrite the rules of a one man show!!!
Steve in blue left, talking into a microphone next to Hugh in black with a massive grin on his face. Hugh has a headrest behind him and a tablet device in front of him with dangly colourful fabric in the background.
Now, after receiving quotes like ‘Jen's role was beautiful’ and ‘jennys voice moved me the most’, we’re going to hear from another voice who thinks they cannot act.
A word from Jen
Reading the blogs above from the other company members, my peers and actually my heroes, I feel less than adequate to comment, but that’s the rules of the game so here I go!
From the first sparkle of the idea of YMMV I was excited for Hugh. Hugh’s life is complex and misunderstood much of the time creating barriers and difficulties for him and those around him – so yes, maybe sharing a small portion of that, obviously in Hugh’s brilliant and humorous way, might help others gain some understanding and stop them talking to me over Hugh’s head! I had no idea at the time how huge this would be, for Hugh, for the audience members and for me! I realised that not only does this take away from Hugh’s identity, but also from mine, as I am spoken to as an extension of Hugh when actually you could just talk to us both like people, cos hey that’s what we are. I’ve worked with Hugh for a few years now and think we really get each other most of the time. We know when to stand up and say something and we also know when it feels fruitless to even try, so smile and carry on and always have each others back. The transition from being Hugh’s PA to being a major aspect of the tour was enormous for me.
An aspect that was quite challenging was playing the role of Hugh’s PA alongside the work associated with the piece. Just getting into one task and having to leave it to swop roles midway through was sometimes frustrating and often exhausting. Just when the set was ready and everyone was ready for a break I had to swop into PA role. Some days were easier than others, but all were so worth it!
This pressure was eased somewhat by the nature of the company! Bringing Sophie and Steve into the mix created, well as Sophie put it ‘Magic’. Both Sophie and Steve are brilliantly creative, hardworking, innovative, but more than that, they are just bloody good people and I love them dearly. Erin, Nat and Mair never cease to amaze me and to be surrounded by the influence of this awesomeness rekindled my faith in humanity at a time when, yes, I guess I really needed it. Not only was this piece, this tour, the catalyst for many dialogues to begin, for some understanding to be realised, for conversations to start within the theatre space and who knows how far that will travel, but it was a piece full of oneness, full of belonging and full of hope. For me it was such a privilege to work with people of such genius, yet so humble and taking that one step further it was actually a miracle if you consider that only a few years ago I couldn’t stand up in front of 2 people and talk, let alone be part of a theatre piece. It’s been beautiful, emotional, hard work, inspiring and life changing. I know that as a company we will go on to produce more work which will carry messages of unity, hope and that will catalyse more much needed conversations, discussions and hopefully expand peoples understanding of complex issues. As explained by Sophie attitudes were (and often are) one of the largest barriers to acceptance and equality. I feel I need to play my part in sharing this message. It wasn’t long ago that I could barely talk and most definitely had problems being heard, but then ‘don’t we all’!
I remember Erin discussing a run with me after a rehearsal. Apart from the usual feedback of ‘stop corpsing’ and ‘always remember every audience is unique, and hasn’t heard the content before’ she started to breakdown the ending. Erin drills in the idea that performance is less about knowing your cues and more about feeling them – that is definitely how the ending evolved, it kind of developed in existence. It is simply beautiful, a true and colourful expression of friendship and connectiveness. I am always ultra-critical about my work and there would be an infinite number of tweaks to YMMV I would make, but the ending I would leave well alone. I think this is shared by the whole company and I know it is shared by Erin who said ‘I think Sophie, Steve and Jen would like to work on the endings, but I couldn’t put into words how they could improve – they just get it’. Although this feedback was justifiably praising everyone, I have an inkling Erin was particularly referring to Jen.
So, in Jen’s full debut on stage, she not only nailed her role from start to finish, but left Erin pretty much speechless – Jen, you just get it and that is the highest praise ever!
I almost asked Jen to remove the first couple of lines of her reflection, because it doesn’t do her justice. Jen is very much my hero and you are more than adequate to stand on the shoulders of any giant with your wonderful wisdom, caring yet determined way.
Now nearing the end of this blog – the true beginning (yeah it’s got to be said) I’m going to attempt the questions in the intro. I’m going to attempt to thank everyone involved:
Starting with Erin. You are definitely the master cog. Each one of us said the biggest thing that would change for next time would be more Erin in the rehearsal room! Like a true director, you wanted to ease off as the performance came together to give ownership to other performers. But the constant phrase ‘what would Erin say’ was ever present and the company only really felt complete with Erin calling for focus whilst Steve, Sophie, Jen and Hugh got a bit too carried away with a rude joke that wasn’t that funny in the first place.
Mair and Nat thank you so much for being the piece’s critical friends. Although we should replace the word critical with best! ACE would never have granted us the funding in the first place to make this magic happen if it wasn’t for your calm head Nat and when things got tough Mair was always on the other end of a message.
Thanks Sam for your creative and dramaturgical input.
The voices in the dark: Pierce and Dylan – you guys nailed the voiceover which set the tone for the piece!
Forever thankful to our former tutors Sandy and Shanaz for believing in the concept from the very beginning
Animate Theatre for your logistical input
Arts Council and Doorstep Arts who made YMMV a reality! Special thanks to Tom Newton.
All the fellow artists who came to watch scratches and work in progress – you guys were the first to see YMMV19 and without your encouragement and ideas might’ve been the last.
And maybe slightly awkward but none the less sincere thank you to all the venues and organisers. You took a punt on this original piece and I hope there’s an opportunity to grow together in the future – several thanks to Ben Lyon-Ross and Theatre Royal Plymouth, we felt right royally looked after.
All the workshops participants – I hope you guys had as much fun as we did!
Every single audience member – your support means the world!
That’s it! Project concluded . . . very much the beginning. This was a humongous achievement by all involved, and I couldn’t be prouder. We’re not exactly back to the drawing board, but definitely have our ambitions set high. After submitting the ACE Activity Report, a mini-achievement in itself, our focus changed to applying for funding. It is crucial that cultural funding, from what ever pot, continues to invest in Torbay, and we are determined to be part of that investment! We are determined to work together again, and we are determined to continue the momentum of YMMV!
To conclude this blog I’m going to plagiarise Steve: ‘Now is a good time to relearn hope’ – that’s statement will surely blow away my post project blues!
An extra word from Hugh
Ok, so I did warn you it was going to be a long one! When I was immersed in the final performance of YMMV 19, a thought flickered through a small part of my brain that is always isolated from my ‘character’. With this being our bow-out performance, I need an epic closing statement to the audience. One thought came and I was momentarily fighting with my conscience. As it was, no side of my conscience had to lose as I burst out crying after the curtain call and could barely say a word, and that was enough in that moment!
Since then, the moral fighting has continued, and I think I’m going to have to share that thought before the battle gets too much and the artillery is called in! It has been a really tough few months for me and the people close to me. The reality is that I may not be able to continue to share my creativity. Although I am very proud and very independent, I do require physical help 24/7. However, this care is being taken from me and reduced to a level where even my basic needs will not be met, let alone my career or socialising or physical exercise, physiotherapy… I could go on, but I think the picture is clear. Ironic that YMMV is about being heard and my life is controlled by people who just won’t hear my voice.
A mixture of stiff upper lip, crisis of masculinity, used to not being heard and too much time being told I am not worthy makes it really awkward and actually quite brave to share this with the outside world. Yet, it is time for me to raise my head above the noise as too many disabled people have had or are having their identity ripped away from them, being subjected to endless assessments and cuts when their health and even their lives depend on the care they receive. I want to work, share and support my community, but that is only possible if I am able to have my PA support – We may never be aware exactly how much we are truly capable of but this barbaric system is set up to tell me what I am unable to do, over and over again, until I feel worthless.
There is plenty of hope, much of which I have found within my support network. There are organisations and individuals committed to putting these issues first. However, it is exhausting when in 2020 disability identity is still battling on this ‘what am I worth’ level rather than being celebrated through inclusivity and oneness.
Who plagiarises the plagiariser? Have to repeat this simple thought again - ‘Now is a good time to relearn hope’!